What Gets in the Way of Joy? Understanding Self-Sabotage and Happiness

Have you ever found yourself feeling uncomfortable when things are finally going well? Maybe you downplay your accomplishments, question your joy, or even create drama when life feels too calm.

If so, you’re not alone.

Many people unconsciously sabotage their own happiness—not because they don’t want it, but because happiness can feel unfamiliar, unsafe, or unearned. It takes real awareness and emotional work to change that pattern.

The Link Between Self-Sabotage and Happiness

When we talk about self-sabotage and happiness, we’re referring to the subtle ways we interfere with our own wellbeing. These can include:

• Overthinking or second-guessing joy

• Picking fights in relationships just as they’re improving

• Procrastinating on things we care about

• Sabotaging progress through perfectionism

• Feeling unworthy of rest, success, or love

The nervous system plays a role here too. If you've lived in a heightened state of stress, chaos, or trauma, your body may not recognize peace and joy as safe. That unfamiliarity can register as discomfort—leading you to unconsciously recreate the stress you’re used to.

Supporting Research:

• Wood, A. M., et al. (2003). Why do people sabotage their own happiness? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. — A powerful look at vulnerability, shame, and the ways we armor ourselves against joy.

Why We Resist the Very Things We Long For

It’s surprisingly common to feel guilt when life improves—especially if you've internalized beliefs like:

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “I don’t deserve to feel this good.”

• “This won't last, so don’t get too comfortable.”

These beliefs are often rooted in early attachment patterns, trauma, or cultural messaging. When joy doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we tend to push it away. Not because we want to suffer, but because staying small or stuck can feel more predictable than expansion.

Recommended Read:

• The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks — On how we hit an “upper limit” of happiness and subconsciously stop ourselves from going further.

Podcast Episode:

• Ten Percent Happier – “Why We Push Away Joy” with Dr. Susan David

How Therapy Helps You Stop Sabotaging Joy

In therapy, we work to uncover and rewrite the internal beliefs that interfere with joy. This process often involves:

• Identifying emotional patterns around guilt, shame, and worth

• Learning to regulate the nervous system during moments of joy

• Practicing receiving—compliments, care, success—without deflection

• Building tolerance for calm, quiet, and success

• Learning to trust that you don’t have to suffer to earn your worth

Therapy doesn’t just help you understand why you sabotage happiness—it gives you tools to feel safe enough to let joy stay.

Research-Backed Resource:

• “The Science of Self-Compassion” with Dr. Kristin Neff — Learn how building kindness toward yourself reduces emotional sabotage and increases wellbeing.

Practices to Support Happiness and Disrupt Sabotage

Here are a few therapist-recommended tools you can try today:

1. The “Let It Land” Practice

When something good happens, pause. Take three deep breaths. Let yourself feel it in your body. Ask: What does this feel like in my chest, belly, jaw?This helps your brain register safety in joy.

2. Joy Journaling

Keep a short daily list of “moments of okayness.” Not perfect. Just enough. You’re teaching your brain that joy is not rare—it’s available, even in small ways.

3. Thought Reframe

When you hear thoughts like “This won’t last,” try:

“Even if this moment is temporary, I’m allowed to enjoy it fully.”

You Are Not Too Much. Your Joy Is Not Too Much.

When we sabotage happiness, it’s often because we’ve never been given permission to trust it. Therapy helps you unlearn that conditioning. It offers a place to practice feeling good—without apology, without shrinking, without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You are allowed to feel safe in joy. You are allowed to grow through joy. And you are allowed to stay there.

If you're in the Los Angeles, Ventura County, Santa Barbara or surrounding areas, we would be happy to get you connected with one of our licensed therapists. If you are outside of California then consider searching "therapist near me" to guide you to an experienced therapist experience in trauma work.

Your Team at Elevate Mental Health

805.244.6919

Info@ElevateMentalHealth.com 

Camarillo, California

Book a session with Elevate Mental Health for therapy in Camarillo California

*Please note that names have been changed or removed to protect the privacy of the person(s) shared.